"Where have you been?" Everywhere. Yes, I have been everywhere. I've been to school; I started in January, and i'm no longer on the journey to become a dentist (no, I don't want to talk about it). I started a new job, in October, at a restaurant; that didn't last long because I got laid off. I have entered the 19th year of my life; everyone tells me i'm not old, but I beg to differ. I have been on a plane at 5:30 am, with three connections to the States just to surprise my mom for Christmas; she cried of course, but it was mostly joy. I had gotten a promise ring the night before, then a 'split decision' breakfast at Ihop, with my best friend and held his hand while I drifted in and out of sleep during a four hour drive. I have stood in the cold, gloomy Albany winter, and watched someone I love drive away. I also had him stand in the cold, gloomy Albany winter, watching me walk away... you know, like in the music videos of sad love songs? Except, they never tell you in the credits of those music videos, that it's way more heart wrenching than it appears. I've been on a 8 block voyage (possible exaggeration) to the McDonald's on the corner of that street and the other, near Jamaica Avenue at 8 pm in the rain with my three new (step) brothers, Junior, Lil' Boat, and Gamer. I've been in a fourth month long -30 degrees celsius Northern Albertan winter in nothing but my favourite sweaters, my grey UGGS with the satin bows on the back, and countless pairs of black leggings. I've been up watching the Game of Thrones until 5:00 in the morning , each time telling myself, 'this is the last one, Reeka'. I've been facetimed for hours, talking about everything and nothing, laughing away sadness so hard, Baller and I were on the edge of tears. I've been up writing papers too, many of which not to the best of my ability, admittedly, due to reluctancy. I've even been to the gym one Friday, for two hours and seven minutes, and i'd like for you to know that even though, I felt as though I could have beaten Hercules in a duel after that workout, right then and there, that's one of the everywheres that I just might not go back to (you know how i feel about you judging me... please stop).
I've been everywhere, even to hell and back, but one everywhere that I realize i've constantly been in or returning to, even during the times when I was in the other everywheres, is in my feelings, and thoughts (past and present). That's one everywhere that I doubt one can ever escape from, suppress maybe, but ultimately, that everywhere remains. I have been in this bit of everywhere, and perhaps that's why I have refused to write anything because of my refusal to admit it, for what now seems like forever. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring it's existence but apparently science says that that is wrong, as well as dangerous. I personally rarely ever agree with science because I do not believe in being generalized, but this once, i'm giving in. We're journeying back into this bit of everywhere and dueling with the beasts and men of this foreign land, until defeat, submission or victory.
The biggest beast that i've been battling in this bit of everywhere is a long deserved apology, and an admittance. Quite contrary to the picture painted by my rant against International Boyfriend Day, I, in numerous cases, have not been the victim. In fact, it is safe to say, I was the heart breaker, I was the ignorer, I was the deserter. It is not like me to ever admit being wrong, in fact, it almost kills me to, but this is a deserved contrary.
Here's a story of two friends, who fell in love with their friendship, no, that's not a typo, it is written as it goes. Two friends fell in love with their friendship. Never had they the intention of falling in love with anything but the friendship they shared. But life happened, and soon the affection, they had for this friendship, which was sadly birthed from a mutual understanding of pain, developed into affection for each other. This affection grew and grew, until finally, it festered into a rotten sore, which was ignored by one friend; the other friend however, had fought against it and found a personal cure. Why, you may have asked, was something birthed from such a pure friendship ruined? To which I have one answer: pure selfishness. Piggy, was as the name entailed, piggy; with emotions, with feelings, with desires, and with affection. Piggy refused to be understanding of anything half of the time. Piggy, was piggy. There would be days when Piggy would rather to stop the world than to give up a desire, that in the end was not worth it. And that selfishness was what had caused the affection to fester. Frog, though hard backed and set in Froggy ways, was kind. Frog cherished Piggy. Frog knew the hidden secrets and frog kept them. Frog had built Piggy up, from the darkest of darknesses; heartbreak. Frog had hugged a tearful Piggy, and had never stopped caring. However, the selfishness in Piggy was too deep to cure with just Froggy's love. The disease invading Piggy's heart was one that had required introspection in order to cure.
Though it might have been years late, and undeniable damage had been substantial, Piggy had begun to realize what was really done. Piggy had lied for a long time and played the victim, blaming Frog for being aggressive and indecisive, sometimes even not honest in terms of love. Piggy had lived with that lie and used it against everyone else, festering more sores and creating more Frogs. One day, someone was apologizing to Piggy for unintentional hurt he had caused, and Piggy was quick to retaliate by saying "Not meaning to, is not justification for hurting, nor is it enough to erase what was done". Since then, Piggy's battle with the beasts and men in this bit of everywhere, could no longer be ignored. Piggy had dwelled in self pity, for a crime committed by choice. A thing, Piggy had refused to admit, up until this day. Piggy, had made the choice. Piggy, knew when the selfish monster would arise inside and started doing its work. Piggy knew the damage this monster could do, but Piggy never stopped it. Piggy had looked in Frog's eyes today and decreed love, then the next, it was as if it were never true. Piggy had bottled up the strength built from the friendship shared with Frog and used it to walk away. Piggy had felt it was easier to walk away from the comfort of their love, and to fight an unnecessary war; a war of which Piggy was aware that the possibility of winning was less than none. It was never as if the love was not real. It was not as if the affection was not there. It was all about the choice made between selfishness and love.
As much as I'd like to tell myself that I had forgotten what we shared, as we can see that is not the truth. I could not have forgotten your smile or how we motivated each other. I cannot forget the nervousness on our first date. I cannot forget how hard I tried to be cute that day. I had forced freshly done braids, into a half bun, half down hairstyle and sprayed myself silly with perfume. Sadly, I lost that little black and white polka dotted dress with the triangular lace detailing in the back, with the skinny red belt to match my red flat shoes I wore that day, to a terrible fire that ravaged my Grandparent's house earlier this year. But i still won't forget how stoked we were when we realized we had kinda sorta unintentionally matched. I cannot forget the way we laughed.. the way you'd laugh... and giggled at that same nervousness, most of which came from me. I cannot forget, my dear Frog, the rush I felt racing against you on the Pier, trying to prove that I was the better athlete, but I had sorely lost, and proved nothing more than you having better sportsmanship. I remember how we had gotten pink ice cream for me, Cherry Vanilla, and Green for you, Green apple, to match our favourite colours, and the spoons too. I did remember the way the ice cream lady looked at us, and the fact that she knew, and stuck a heart shaped cookie and a chocolate waffle swirl in there as a surprise, that sneaky woman. The photos Ty and Xyye had snuck of us, I also had not forgot.
What i had not realized however, was that love was not concrete thing, but was like an untouched picture. If left alone, it could tell a thousand stories, and have a million different types of interpretations. But each time you found new love, that picture would change. There might have been toggling with the contrast (the care), the exposure ( the honesty), the grain (the rough times) or the saturation (the happiness). In the end, that picture would never be the same as it was before. I had not realized, metaphorically speaking, that our colours were fine. I could not have seen that our stars were aligned just fine, and our grass blew in the right direction. I did not want to admit even, that our Garden, was Edenic, and our picture had depicted that beautifully. There was no need for it to be replaced. There wasn't another like it, nor better than it, because it was just that. It was it. I remember how your smiles warmed my heart, but you liked cold kisses; the irony of which I see now as sometimes the things we love the most, possess such a great potential to hurt us. Because our demise began the day I gave you the very last cold kiss. It began with something I knew you loved. And I knew i was wrong. I knew me ignoring you and pushing you away was nonsense, yet I did not stop. I knew I could have saved you, saved us, saved our friendship, but I did not stop. I let us go, let our friendship go, and the tiniest bit of love that was not based on infatuation, but true friendship, with it. I was your Judas.
"But why now?" Because, I can now admit that I was wrong. I can now, no longer live with the lie i fabricated. I can no longer play the victim and be the damsel constantly in distress. I cannot be hypocritical and bash the ones who've hurt me, and demand apologies and begin voyages to give forgiveness, if I myself, had not been honest about my own sins. I have hurt you Frog, in countless ways. The fact that I knew what heartbreak felt like, had you help me through that phase, turned around and did it right back to you, and had the audacity to play victim as well as blamed you, disturbs me. It has disturbed me for too long, and I admit that I am wrong, I did you wrong, and I am sorry. I am sorry for disregarding your love and care. I am sorry, that I broke your heart. I am sorry that in the end I couldn't even look you in the face and tell you goodbye. I am sorry for the coldness in your eyes the last night I saw you. I am sorry that you had to rescue me, time again, that very same night. I'm sorry that I was not appreciative of the love inside your big beautiful heart. Froggy, Piggy, is sorry. I am sorry, I never hugged you a little longer when you knew I cared, I'm sorry I never squeezed your hand a little tighter, or made you laugh a little louder. I'm sorry for the nights when we'd fight and I'd say the mean things, and you'd wake me up with the paragraphs who's compositions I now no longer can recite. I am sorry that this is late. I'm sorry that this is so long. I'm sorry that I left you empty and betrayed. I am sorry, that I did that to you. I'm sorry that you don't know how sorry I am. My sweet, dear Frog, my precious King Froggy, my friend, I am sorry.
The picture above, speaks of a loss, and my loss was you, us and our friendship. And that was sadly, but truly, the gift that set me on the path to the me that I need to become. However, that cannot be done without your forgiveness. Froggy, I now ask for nothing more than the forgiveness that I perhaps do not even deserve. But I ask for you to forgive me, from the depths of that big beautiful heart of yours. I ask for forgiveness and understanding, so that I can start anew with as close as I can get to an immaculate conscience. If that is not possible, I understand.
And I want you to know though, that I am proud of you. I'm proud of you for achieving the dreams you had and still chasing more. I'm proud of you and I am so happy, that you were able to be who you truly are without fear of judgement, criticism and rejection. I am proud of you. I am so happy too, that you found someone that loves you as much as you love them and that makes you so happy, that it warms my heart like your smile once did. I am so happy that you are free of hurt, and you can find rest in someone special who was made for you. I look from the distance and smile at you dear old Frog; growing less Froggy, and more Princely each day. I am happy, and I am proud of you old friend.
.....
Sometimes, we don't appreciate good hearts, and sometimes we play the victim for so long that we do not realize or want to admit the damage we ourselves have done, but I'm refusing to live a lie anymore. I too have broken hearts, and ruined good people, knowingly and unknowingly. I too have lied, and hurt, and heartlessly mistreated others. But never was it right, nor will it ever be right. Crying for change, without changing, never changes a thing, because change happens inside the heart. Change starts with admitting one's wrongs, and seeking forgiveness from the person one oppressed. Then one begins the journey to personal forgiveness to cleanse the darkness within. It is then that one receives the gift to begin the journey on the path to where one truly belongs. It is then that one can rest assured that they just might have the hope of achieving une vie a plien bord- a life full to its brim.
this is the sin'derella project.
