This is for Scarlette. The rest of you turn your heads away, because the next bit is for her eyes only.
Scarlette, the possibility of you reading this on a night that we both wished wasn't happening- not to you at least- with swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks, is almost just as likely as me sitting in my kitchen, with tired, burning eyes, writing blog posts to empty my wandering mind at 10:48 pm, which I do basically every night; highly likely. But I wish it wasn't. I wish you wouldn't have to cry over things that just weren't meant and I wish I didn't need to pray for you at nights, or even at 3:43 in the the afternoon, when I no longer had the words to say to you. I wish I wasn't hoping that God hears me and allows you to understand, accept, and heal. I wish we all could man up, to be completely honest with you, but as human's dwelling is a part of us, especially when something held, or still holds even, so much meaning to us.
He was your world- isn't he? He made you feel the wonderfully terrible things that being in love brought with it. He made you wish upon stars and smile at the innocence of joyful little kids, knowing that you'd both create something as beautiful as that one day- doesn't he? He made you want to motivate him to be something great. He made you build him up to his full potential; the zenith of his being. He allowed you to fall in love and stay there- aren't you? He told you what you needed to hear during times when no one else was worthy of uttering the simplest of things to you. He made you think you were the one- don't you? He made you need him- don't you? And then he spat you out like Jonah and the whale, after being trapped in the pits of him, smothered and almost asphyxiated. Yes? No. He didn't. In fact, he did nothing but accept the beautiful traits you possess. He did nothing but allow the woman in you to present herself. He accepted the fact that you loving him meant that he'd want for nothing, he'd be jealous of no one and he'd be King of something. He took that and he went with it, and I don't blame him, because I would've too. But what I do want to blame him for, but can't is his inability to appreciate what you gave. Why? Because he's a child... Okay, no that's not what I want to say.... It's because, people are allowed to do as they please, irregardless of whatever forces we may think pulled or pushed them in certain directions. They decide ultimately and all our lives would be much easier if we, the ones who are unhappy with other people's choices, understood that. Perhaps, we need to turn away from the fact that we are unhappy with their choices, and accepted that the choice wasn't us, and maybe that's just, okay.
Do not get me wrong and begin to think that I'm saying that we are to badger ourselves and say that we were not enough and try to figure out where it is that we went wrong, no. I'm saying that maybe fighting the odds, chasing the one that got away, talking to the person that ignores you, and doesn't even blink twice at the thought of losing you anymore, is just too much. It's pointless, because PEOPLE WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE. They chose, to let you go, chose to lose out on honest love, and they chose to break all their promises. Why are you still fighting? "Because, I love him," well, love him from a distance. Love him from the memories in your head. Love him by hoping that he's genuinely happy. Love him, by keeping up with the you he once cherished- the fabulous girl, that got straight A's, stayed fit and always looked on top of her game- love him by remaining true to you. "But he was my first love; my true love," The thing about first loves is, that they're just that, first loves. No one said that you had to stop counting, after one frog remained a frog, even after being kissed, cajoled and pampered. What I do advise is to continue counting, wisely. The first cut might have been the deepest, but cuts heal don't they? Even if it was so deep that it took away parts of you; it heals. Even if it was so deep that it made you cry and scream from the pain; it got better, slowly, and it healed. Even if the scar tissue that remained is ugly and raged, remember that in the end, it is stronger than regular tissue. Realize your strength and move on.
Love hurts everyone, but afterwards, some are stronger at the broken points. 'Some" because many think that 'stronger' is synonymous to turning cold, mean, insensitive and unemotional, when in fact, that's plain cowardice. So don't you dare, consider becoming that, due to this heartbreak or any heartbreak at that. It does not mean that you are now allowed to walk around this world shutting everyone out, because of fear. That's not strength. I was told some unforgettable words by persons who are very dear to my heart, after the damage my notorious 'first love' caused, and it seems fit for me to share them with you because you need to hear them. "Do not lose the softness of you heart," meaning, do not become the pain you were caused, because you will surely regret it. You'd be incapable of loving anything, or anyone and sometimes even yourself (no mater how impossible this may seem). You will begin to change and become blind to the persons that want to bring blessings your way, and they'll be shut out, down and up countless times, even when you don't realize it. The loneliness you'll feel, the pity & the sadness, in the end will be much greater than anything you're feeling now. "You did not deserve to be loved by someone who didn't see you as their whole world." to which I replied, " Am I really a whole world?" and she simply said, " No, you are an entire galaxy." You are an entire galaxy, my love. An entire galaxy. A massive system, consisting of ginormous stars, complexly beautiful and individually diverse planets, stellar objects, interstellar mediums. You are a galaxy, Scarlette. Something that is still amazing the smartest scientists, each day. You are a galaxy, a phenomenal structure, and he was no scientist, so we cannot judge him for not understanding or appreciating that, because what average human spends the time to discover and love the universe? Think on it, a majority of them, have been given a mere fraction, the Earth, a single planet, and based on what I see, she's slowly being destroyed, not loved. So who are we to judge him for being another average human? Maybe in the beginning, or somewhere thereabout he didn't seem to be, but when you think on it now, isn't it more like you didn't want him to be? Isn't it that you never treated him as such, because of the 'more' you knew he possessed? Think harder.
A phenomenon, about galaxies that i've always been amazed by, is the fact that they have so many blackholes within them, yet they still remain as they are, galaxies. Black holes, which have the power to suck in every good or bad thing, are inside this massive system, yet they never change this massive system. This, pain is just a blackhole and though it may have the potential to absorb, trap and lose, the good things in an eternal abyss, do not let it. Let go of the bad, the meteors that are flying round inside of you, threatening to go spiralling off and crashing into the things and people that hold meaning to you. No matter the irony, the best lesson you will ever learn in life, will come from the worst feeling you ever felt in life. Use this blackhole of pain, as leverage, to better you. Free your galaxy.
My beautiful, Scarlette, you are loved, even if it is not directly from the man to whom you gave everything. You are loved and you are love. You were strong for doing it too, because loving him was your choice, and despite the scars and wounds after the battle, you won. And you're still winning. Even if 'others' think otherwise. This may be new to you, and unexpected, but "every morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to ask yourself, 'am I gone believe what these fools say about me today?'" - Kathryn Stockett, The Help. Are you, Scarlette? Are you going to let mere words of irrelevance, question the person God made you to be? We both know the beauty of your galaxy, the power of your love and your prowess. You're amazing, and i can't stress this enough. You are amazing. "You is kind. You is smart. You is Important," Kathryn Stockett, The Help.
This is a part of the journey, a part of the process to that condo and G wagon. It's apart of what will make you you, no matter the pain, this is a part of the story you're writing, this is a part of une vie a plain bord- a life, full to it's brim.
this is the sin'derella project.
